Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better

Assertiveness can help you control stress and anger and improve coping skills. Recognize and learn assertive behavior and communication.

Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. Being assertive can also help boost your self-esteem and earn others' respect. This can help with stress management, especially if you tend to take on too many responsibilities because you have a hard time saying no.
Some people seem to be naturally assertive. But if you're not one of them, you can learn to be more assertive.

Why assertive communication makes sense

Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself, because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you're aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts.

Of course, it's not just what you say — your message — but also how you say it that's important. Assertive communication is direct and respectful. Being assertive gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message. If you communicate in a way that's too passive or too aggressive, your message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to your delivery.

Assertive vs. passive behavior

If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. You may routinely say things such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You tend to avoid conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs.
Consider this example: You say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a project, even though your plate is full and the extra works means you'll have to work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Your intention may be to keep the peace. But always saying yes can poison your relationships. And worse, it may cause you internal conflict because your needs and those of your family always come second.
The internal conflict that can be created by passive behavior can lead to:

• Stress
• Resentment
• Seething anger
• Feelings of victimization
• Desire to exact revenge

Assertive vs. aggressive behavior

Now consider the flip side. If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others, and may even be physically threatening.

You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

Now consider passive-aggressive behavior. If you communicate in a passive-aggressive manner, you may say yes when you want to say no. You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs. You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because you're uncomfortable being direct about your needs and feelings.

What are the drawbacks of a passive-aggressive communication style? Over time, passive-aggressive behavior damages relationships and undercuts mutual respect, making it difficult for you to get your goals and needs met.

The benefits of being assertive

Being assertive is typically viewed as a healthier communication style. Being assertive offers many benefits. It helps you keep people from walking all over you. On the flip side, it can also help you from steamrolling others.
Behaving assertively can help you:

• Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
• Understand and recognize your feelings
• Earn respect from others
• Improve communication
• Create win-win situations
• Improve your decision-making skills
• Create honest relationships
• Gain more job satisfaction

Some research even suggests that learning to be more assertive can help people cope with mental health problems, such as depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety disorder and schizophrenia.

Learning to be more assertive

People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. Your style may be so ingrained that you're not even aware of what it is. People tend to stick to the same communication style over time. But if you want to change your communication style, you can learn to communicate in healthier and more effective ways.

Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:

• Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your plate is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes.
• Use 'I' statements. Using "I" statements lets others know what you're thinking without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong."
• Practice saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Don't beat around the bush — be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
• Rehearse what you want to say. If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice typical scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.
• Use body language. Communication isn't just verbal. Act confident even if you aren't feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague.
• Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
• Start small. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary.

When you need help being assertive

Remember, learning to be assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. Or if anger leads you to be too aggressive, you may need to learn some anger management techniques.

If despite your best efforts you're not making progress toward becoming more assertive, consider formal assertiveness training. And if issues such as anger, stress, anxiety or fear are getting in your way, consider talking with a mental health provider. The payoff will be worth it. By becoming more assertive, you can begin to express your true feelings and needs more easily. You may even find you get more of what you want as a result.

Assertive Communication - 6 Tips For Effective Use

What IS assertive communication?

Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognizes our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.
So why use assertive communication?

All of us use assertive behavior at times... quite often when we feel vulnerable or unsure of ourselves we may resort to submissive, manipulative or aggressive behavior.

Yet being trained in assertive communication actually increases the appropriate use of this sort of behaviour. It enables us to swap old behavior patterns for a more positive approach to life. I've found that changing my response to others (be they work colleagues, clients or even my own family) can be exciting and stimulating.
The advantages of assertive communication
There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

• It helps us feel good about ourselves and others
• It leads to the development of mutual respect with others
• It increases our self-esteem
• It helps us achieve our goals
• It minimises hurting and alienating other people
• It reduces anxiety
• It protects us from being taken advantage of by others
• It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
• It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative

There are, of course, disadvantages...
Disadvantages of assertive communication
Others may not approve of this style of communication, or may not approve of the views you express. Also, having a healthy regard for another person's rights means that you won't always get what YOU want. You may also find out that you were wrong about a viewpoint that you held. But most importantly, as mentioned earlier, it involves the risk that others may not understand and therefore not accept this style of communication.

What assertive communication is not...
Assertive communication is definitely NOT a lifestyle! It's NOT a guarantee that you will get what you want. It's definitely NOT an acceptable style of communication with everyone, but at least it's NOT being aggressive.
But it IS about choice
Four behavioural choices
There are, as I see it, four choices you can make about which style of communication you can employ. These types are:

direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
submissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic
assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous

Characteristics of assertive communication
There are six main characteristics of assertive communication. These are:

• eye contact: demonstrates interest, shows sincerity
• body posture: congruent body language will improve the significance of the message
• gestures: appropriate gestures help to add emphasis
• voice: a level, well modulated tone is more convincing and acceptable, and is not intimidating
• timing: use your judgement to maximise receptivity and impact
• content: how, where and when you choose to comment is probably more important than WHAT you say

The importance of "I" statements
Part of being assertive involves the ability to appropriately express your needs and feelings. You can accomplish this by using "I" statements. These indicate ownership, do not attribute blame, focuses on behaviour, identifies the effect of behaviour, is direcdt and honest, and contributes to the growth of your relationship with each other.

Strong "I" statements have three specific elements:

• Behaviour
• Feeling
• Tangible effect (consequence to you)

Example: "I feel frustrated when you are late for meetings. I don't like having to repeat information."
Six techniques for assertive communication
There are six assertive techniques - let's look at each of them in turn.

1. Behavior Rehearsal: which is literally practicing how you want to look and sound. It is a very useful technique when you first want to use "I" statements, as it helps dissipate any emotion associated with an experience and allows you to accurately identify the behavior you wish to confront.

2. Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record'): this technique allows you to feel comfortable by ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting and irrelevant logic while sticking to your point. To most effectively use this technique use calm repetition, and say what you want and stay focused on the issue. You'll find that there is no need to rehearse this technique, and no need to 'hype yourself up' to deal with others.

Example:
"I would like to show you some of our products"
"No thank you, I'm not interested"
"I really have a great range to offer you"
"That may be true, but I'm not interested at the moment"
"Is there someone else here who would be interested?"
"I don't want any of these products"
"Okay, would you take this brochure and think about it?"
"Yes, I will take a brochure"
"Thank you"
"You're welcome"

3. Fogging: this technique allows you to receive criticism comfortably, without getting anxious or defensive, and without rewarding manipulative criticism. To do this you need to acknowledge the criticism, agree that there may be some truth to what they say, but remain the judge of your choice of action. An example of this could be, "I agree that there are probably times when I don't give you answers to your questions.

4. Negative inquiry: this technique seeks out criticism about yourself in close relationships by prompting the expression of honest, negative feelings to improve communication. To use if effectively you need to listen for critical comments, clarify your understanding of those criticisms, use the information if it will be helpful or ignore the information if it is manipulative. An example of this technique would be, "So you think/believe that I am not interested?"

5. Negative assertion: this technique lets you look more comfortably at negatives in your own behaviour or personality without feeling defensive or anxious, this also reduces your critics' hostility. You should accept your errors or faults, but not apologise. Instead, tentatively and sympathetically agree with hostile criticism of your negative qualities. An example would be, "Yes, you're right. I don't always listen closely to what you have to say."

6. Workable compromise: when you feel that your self-respect is not in question, consider a workable compromise with the other person. You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect. However, if the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth and self-respect, THERE CAN BE NO COMPROMISE. An example of this technique would be, "I understand that you have a need to talk and I need to finish what I'm doing. So what about meeting in half an hour?"

Conclusion

Assertiveness is a useful communication tool. It's application is contextual and it's not appropriate to be assertive in all situations. Remember, your sudden use of assertiveness may be perceived as an act of aggression by others.

There's also no guarantee of success, even when you use assertive communication styles appropriately.

"Nothing on earth can stop the individual with the right mental attitude from achieving their goal; nothing on earth can help the individual with the wrong mental attitude" W.W. Ziege

 

How to Be Assertive at Work

Being assertive in the workplace means being honest, straight-forward and having the ability to speak your mind in a productive and tactful manner. It should not be confused with being aggressive. Learn to be assertive at work, get the result you want and don't worry about being misinterpreted. 

Instructions:

1. State only the facts. Do not use sarcasm, rude language or derogatory terms when you express yourself. Be assertive at work without belittling others. Otherwise, people won't listen to what you have to say.

2. Speak without emotions. Don't react emotionally to situations at work. It is easy to let your emotions get the best of you when you feel passionate about something. Resist the urge to react and maintain an even keel.

3. Be a better listener. People are more likely to listen to what you have to say if you listen to them in return. It builds respect and people feel more comfortable with you. This helps when you need to be assertive because others recognize that you not only listen but also deserve to be listened to.

4. Send a clear message. If you want to be assertive at work, be direct. Say what you have to say in plain language. Don't beat around the bush. Avoid just hinting at what you want. You can't expect people to guess at what you really mean.

5. Learn the word "No" and feel comfortable using it. Being assertive work sometimes means saying "No" to your coworker's or boss's requests. If you cannot take on an extra project, assert your needs and provide a good reason for it. Offer to help in another way that is more realistic for you. Your boss or coworker will likely appreciate the gesture.

 

 

How to Be More Assertive in a Relationship

Assertiveness is a valuable skill in marriage because it leads to positive and productive exchange of ideas between husband and wife.

What is Assertiveness?

Before we move on, it might be helpful to define what is meant by the word “assertiveness.”
Assertiveness is the ability to express oneself without hesitation or fear, while still respecting the opinions and rights of others.
A person with poor assertive skills risks encountering significant problems down the road, including:

• Unmet needs and desires
• Powerlessness and vulnerability
• Reluctance to address marital problems
• Abuse

On the other hand, a person who practices assertive behavior doesn’t easily fall victim to feelings of frustration, neglect or disregard.

Signs of Passive, Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive Abuse in Marriage

Before you can discover how to be more assertive in a relationship, you need to be able to recognize patterns of passive, aggressive and passive-aggressive behavior.

• Passive – In a passive relationship, one spouse fails to stand up for their convictions, rights and individual thoughts. This perceived meekness is really just a lack of courage to defend their self-worth. This passivity leads to personal devaluation and leaves a person at the mercy of a partner who dominates, controls and mercilessly demands change.

• Aggressive –Spouses who practice aggression may use intimidation, blame and manipulation to get what they want. They make demands rather than gentle requests. Aggression often – but not always – leads to verbal, psychological or physical violence.

• Passive-aggressive – In this scenario, spouses fail to convey their emotions directly. Instead of verbally communicating their disagreements, concerns or feelings, they opt for non-verbal expressions, including the “silent treatment” or the slamming of doors.

Reclaim Your Confidence with Assertiveness Training

Problems of passivity, aggression or passive-aggressive conduct can be eliminated from a marriage with the right assertiveness training.
These programs instruct couples how to be more assertive in a relationship and how to have better communication.
Under the guidance of a certified marriage and assertiveness coach, husbands and wives gain helpful tips that will help them to successfully articulate their needs and desires.
Couples are taught to:

• Understand one’s personal rights
• Avoid angry confrontations
• Say “no” when one means “no”
• Listen to what the other person has to say
• Use “I” statements
• Make expectations clear
• Take responsibility for one’s own behavior
• Develop positive communication habits

 

What Does It Mean To Be Assertive?

Let's start by defining what it is not. Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Assertive behavior is not hostile, blaming, threatening, demanding, or sarcastic. Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up for yourself does not trespass on the rights of others. Assertiveness means communicating what you want in a clear manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.

Being assertive is an honest and appropriate expression of one's feelings, opinions, and needs. Assertiveness is also often associated with positive self-esteem and a better self-image.

Gender Roles and Assertiveness

According to Dr. Linda Tillman, a licensed Clinical Psychologist and founder of SpeakUpForYourself.Com, "our culture still supports men in aggressive behavior and women in different behavior. So men who are afraid to speak up may express themselves aggressively and women who are afraid to speak up may put aside their wishes to please the other person." Take for example the wife who does not defend herself against her sister-in-law's put-downs because she knows how important family harmony is to her husband. She is allowing herself to be stepped on in the best interest of her husband and is ignoring her own best interests.

Why Don't People Stand Up For Themselves?

"Most of our personal styles are established when we are very
young," says Dr. Tillman.

"If your parents were rigid and controlling, then you may have felt invalidated so much as a child that now you are afraid to speak up. If you were taught that it is good manners to be focused on the other person and not on yourself, then you may feel that it is not okay for you to ask for what you want." She adds.

Read any popular woman's magazine and invariably someone will ask how she can get what she wants from her husbands in the bedroom. The answer is usually, "Don’t be afraid to just ask for what you want." However, a lot of women are afraid to ask for what they want, especially when it comes to sex. Most women are raised to be "good girls" who aren't supposed to think about sex, much less talk about it. This can leave many women feeling unsatisfied and frustrated in their sexual relationships.

Dr. Tillman points out that assertiveness and low self-esteem are linked. "Low self-esteem can affect interaction in two different ways," she says. "A person who feels bad about him/herself, may find it hard to feel the confidence needed to speak up. On the other hand, if a person has low self esteem, he/she may be aggressive- like the Wizard of Oz, 'I am Oz the Great and Terrible'- when he/she is just a scared little person."

Take the department manager who routinely has harsh words for her department's team members. Even going so far as to call them "stupid" and standing over them as they make the necessary corrections. Her team members know that she is frustrated at not being promoted to the next managerial level and they know why. While the department manager thinks she is being assertive by being honest about her feelings, she is scared to admit to herself that it is her own behavior that is holding her back and not the department's performance. Furthermore, people avoid being assertive because they are afraid of displeasing others and of not being liked. However, not asserting yourself can make you feel taken advantage of and damages your self-esteem. For example, not asking for that raise because you have a hard time asking for money not only makes you feel bad about yourself but as if you aren’t in control of your financial future. You may even tell yourself that if your employer valued you, they'd offer you a raise, which leads you to doubt yourself and your abilities even more. In essence, this cycle of low self-esteem makes you feel like a powerless victim of your employer.

Moreover, even if you aren't aware of your non-assertive behavior other people are. Non-assertive behavior can hurt your career because people won't take you or your abilities seriously. If, during staff meetings for example, you constantly allow yourself to be interrupted, the higher-ups may perceive this lack of assertiveness as a reflection of your abilities, regardless of how competent you actually are.

Powerless Communication

"A major nonverbal way women unconsciously communicate powerlessness is by letting their tone of voice rise at the end of the sentence. The words float up as if they were attached to a helium balloon," Dr. Linda Tillman points out.

"Something that should be a statement then sounds like a question and therefore sends a message that she is unsure about what she is saying," Linda continues.

We've all heard other people doing this. And it does make them sound as if they are unsure of themselves and robs them of credibility. Are you guilty of it as well? If so, how can you stop doing it?

"To make such a statement sound powerful, make a conscious effort to drop your voice tone at the end of the sentence as if a choir director were in front of you, bringing your voice down," Dr. Tillman suggests.

"This minor nonverbal change makes a major change in effectiveness," Dr. Tillman adds.

What else do women do to sabotage their power? A woman will often start her sentence by saying, "I'm sorry…(but I disagree with you)."

According to Dr. Tillman, "apologizing unnecessarily is a verbal indicator of inner powerlessness." What she is actually saying is, "I'm sorry for having a thought, but I'm going to share it with you anyway," which removes most of the effectiveness of the statement, " Dr. Tillman says.

How do you change this behavior?

"Apologize only when you've done something wrong," Linda advises. "If you spill coffee on someone's lap, then it is appropriate to say, "I'm sorry."

How Do You Become More Assertive?

1. Develop a value and belief system, which allows you to assert yourself. In other words, give yourself permission to be angry, to say "No," to ask for help, and to make mistakes. Avoid using tag questions. ("It's really hot today, isn't it?"), disclaimers ("I may be wrong, but…"), and question statements ("won’t you close the door?") all lessen the perceived assertiveness of speech.

2. Resist giving into interruptions until you have completed your thoughts. (Instead, say - "Just a moment, I haven't finished.")

3. Stop self-limiting behaviors, such as smiling too much,
nodding too much, tilting your head, or dropping your eyes in
response to another person's gaze.

4. When saying "No," be decisive. Explain why you are refusing but don’t be overly apologetic.

5. Use "I want" or "I feel" statements. Acknowledge the other
person's situation or feelings followed by a statement in which
you stand up for your rights. E.g., "I know you're X, but I feel…"

6. Use "I" language (this is especially useful for expressing negative feelings.) "I" language helps you focus your anger constructively and to be clear about your own feelings. For example:

• When you do (Behavior)
• The effects are (Results)
• I feel (Emotion)
• Remember: Stick to the first person, and avoid "you are".

7. Maintain direct eye contact, keep your posture open and relaxed, be sure your facial expression agrees with the message, and keep a level, well-modulated tone of voice.

8. Listen and let people know you have heard what they said. Ask questions for clarification.

9. Practice! Enlist the aid of friends and family and ask for feedback. Tackle less anxiety-evoking situations first. Build up your assertiveness muscle. Don’t get discouraged if you behave non-assertively. Figure out where you went astray and how to improve your handling of the situation next time. Reward yourself each time you've pushed yourself to be assertive regardless of whether or not you get the desired
results.